Get where I want or die trying BIGMURPH comeback

So many probably most have no idea what happened to me or why I dissapeared for awhile and haven’t been around much lately.
I know that @Poppy has been tracking me around the world.

I actually never took a vacation. I left and that’s when everything began to go horribly wrong for me it has been a difficult situation.

I had some medical issues that were pretty serious to me physically and mentally. I was down and haven’t been eating or training. I dropped a bunch of weight and I lost muscle mass. It has been a difficult recovery which im still dealing with a bunch of doctor appointments, blood draws, hospital visits, and so on its been crazy and it took away the thing that I believe keeps me sane and healthy my ability and even want to train. I just don’t have the energy or honestly the drive that I had before, everything is different now for me I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I want to get back to being a MONSTAR not a lazy fatass which is what I feel is taking over I need to get back to training full sessions. I might have to lower all my weight amounts and try to catch back up to where I was I now can understand again how bad it is to catch an injury that takes away what you love. I won’t let that happen though and I believe strongly that everyone at ugmuscle has my back and will help out there brother in this time of need.

I wanted to start this log because I have fallen so far off that I need some accountability or im afraid that im going to end up being 260lbs of straight fat again lol that’s if I can start to eat normally again smh.
I am starting from scratch is how I feel because I truly feel like im dying im not but I feel like I have no strength, no energy, and no drive anymore to even hit the weights. I have been training but my training is laughable im not actually training when I don’t finish my workout or if I just skip completely. Im not going to make an excuse that im to weak I can lift some amount of weight just not what I was so I can’t make that an excuse to myself I have been and it stops now.

I believe that with time I will be back to hitting it hard but I need help. I need my brothers and sisters to make sure I don’t give up please hold me accountable follow this log if im not doing what needs to be done please push :pray:

I need this help if I give up training and staying in shape I will be lost and alot of bad things can happen when I feel lost and I never want to be like that or like how I feel now ever again so this will be my comeback.

1 Start training as best as possible
2 work on my eating habits I have been eating nothing some days. I need to atleast eat 2x a day to start and then atleast get back to normal eating.
3 once I get back to health get TRT going and get my test levels atleast at 1000 < or > and I believe this will help alot I believe that my hormones not being correct are causing some of the problems im experiencing
4 once back in normal health im going to push for exceptional health. I will only be using testosterone and possibly 1 of this list proviron, primo, drostanolone. This is very far off probably 6 months to get myself in shape to run a cycle because im far behind I won’t start anything until im back to eating and training normally.
5 Feel like a MONSTAR again

Those are my first 5 goals to complete and get myself pointing in the right direction.

Today is Monday chest day I will try to complete
Incline bench dumbbell
Flat bench barbell
Decline bench dumbbell
Dumbbell pullover
Incline dumbbell flies
Flat dumbbell flies

I tried last Monday and failed to complete this session I will lower the weight and reps to work on completing.

If anyone has suggestions on anything I should do in the situation with trying to come back I know alot of us have had injuries that have put us down and set us back. I would appreciate any tips to get me or keep me going?

Thanks for reading this nonsense lol smh


We have your back, brother, and there is no doubt you can and will do this.

I find it helpful to have a mantra-like saying that you recite when you feel weak and want to quit. For me it is: “You gonna let them win?!” I say it over and over again until I’m so mad I scream “no” and hit it.

I also tell myself that I am not close to being done, that I have miles to go before I find my limit, bring it on, mother fucker!

Finally, and this is a bit hackneyed, but I imagine dying in 20-30 years exactly as I am right now and how disappointed I would be in not having progressed at all in that time. What a waste that would be.

In short, I’m an emotional person, and revving myself up like a coach before a football game (shades of Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday) helps.

Chemically, modafinil definitely helps me as PWO, though as you know from our prior discussions, it can become a bit of a crutch. Moderate use, perhaps only when you really need that extra push, might be appropriate.

You’ve done this before, you have the muscle memory and the psyche to do it. You KNOW this. It will come back, like riding a bike. You just gotta keep hitting it and not give up until it all starts roaring back. And just think how satisfied you will be when it does.


Mine is “Bring the fucking pain”

So I actually have modanifil and I can’t take it due to medication interactions so I also use to use modanifil but another tool I can’t use but its alright.

Your right I have done this before when I ruptured my bicep. It was so different when that happened from this time around.
Im trying hard to get going again and I feel deflated. I don’t understand why but I imagine its my mind fucking with me I need to get right and get my ass training again like I was before I have put 24yrs into lifting and I believe that im getting old and recovery is getting harder. I believe that as long as I keep this log going and be serious about getting myself better I will get better and hopefully bigger and lean unlike before the one thing that I don’t have to worry about is losing weight.

I appreciate your reply and your help brother


You know how you wish you knew the exact words to say, to just turn people’s lives around? If I had them I’d give them, and would still encourage you to stick with a log cause I’d love to see your progression.

Just know you are not on this fight alone. Every single day for me is a struggle of motivation. Some days are easier than others, but literally every day I have to fight this impulsive thought in my head telling me to avoid, walk away, or distract myself.

Right now I’m using fear and anger as my motivator. I’m fearful I will die before I am able to accomplish some of my more physically demanding objectives on my bucket list. And I’m angry that I let myself become comfortable for so long, giving into short lived pleasures, just to shorten my lifespan.

You probably already know what’s best to get you motivated, I just hope you can find that path in your head to begin making the first moves.


Outfuckinstanding your getting back to it buddy,you are startin simple, and taking it slow…I will hold you accountable the best I can.


I appreciate that very much brother your words you wrote are words that will change my life around I wrote this because I need a boost from my brothers and sisters. You posting gets me going, you looking out for me gets me going,
Knowing that you have my back gets me going.

Please don’t let me slack @Tack


Oh I know you can definitely hold me accountable brother and please do

Your right starting simple hopefully it will allow me to get my shit together


Will read fully later as I’m just using bathroom fb before heading back to bed but I’m following this for sure


You got this @Bigmurph. With your knowledge and experience. I see you transforming like @NeuroRN


I can only wish to transform like @NeuroRN but im definitely going to work on getting myself back together much appreciated brother


You’re a mountain climber brother…


Im leaving the valley today brother


Aint nothing but a hill


I just gotta keep it going and I will be fine but im borderline about to just stop im so frustrated with not having energy or strength. No sleep in a month I haven’t been able to eat so I have alot to pull together but no more excuses time to go or die trying


You know what has to be done and we all know you got this. Looking forward to reading about your gains!

PS… Don’t even think of slacking, @Poppy will find you! Lol


I hope that everyone finds me lol I do need to keep a log and get at it I still feel shitty but its time


Sorry to hear your situation bud. You sound like a very determined and mentally strong guy so I’m sure you’ll be ok but I completely understand how you’re feeling at the moment and I’m really looking fwd to this log!!

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Big step here big brother! We’re all here to support and encourage us like you’ve done so many times for us! No motivational cliches, nothing else other
Than I truly believe in you. It’s time for MONSTAR murph to be reborn!


I appreciate that brother im in a shitty spot time to get out of it

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I agree this bullshit needs to end and I need to get back to it today I need to eat and sleep plus train and not look back

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